(PS : Must be read with Monty Python style in mind, bare in mind I wrote this when I was back in High School. Wasnt a very good writer. Not much has changed though.)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with him on the whole. He had an amazing life that anyone would kill to have. Just say the name Tristan Adam to any local or international Art enthusiast and they will tell you all about him. He became a famous painter at the age of 19 when he painted a vivid portray of a hermaphrodite’s genital and named it after a politician of that current time. He easily magnetizes the money and funding from every successful art exhibition he ever had and had been mingling around with A-list celebrities and top class supermodels. But yet he is suicidal. He has reached that certain age of 21 and thinks it is perfect time to end his career by ending his life. Somehow he thinks it is the final and greatest masterpiece.
Tristan stands on the ledge of the building staring down at the bottomless abyss beneath him from his raccoon eye-bag eyes that hidden underneath the long scruffy black hair that flows gently with the current of the winter’s wind. A man named Henry silently enters the roof top of the building and examines the peculiar behaviour of Tristan.
“Oi, whatcha think you’re doing over there?” said Henry in a deep Northern accent.
“Gosh, you startled me. Don’t do that. I could almost fall off, you know,”replied the startled Tristan.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t meant to frightened you but you did look like you’re gonna jump,” apologize the man.
“Well I was going to but you came and scare the living shit out of me,” said Tristan.
“What? You’re gonna kill yourself?”
“Well that is the whole idea of throwing yourself off a building. It is called suicide you know.”
“I know what suicide is. Don’t patronize me. But if you’re planning to jump off anyway then why would you be afraid of falling off when I startled you? Wouldn’t it just help you?” questioned Henry.
“Well I do wish to kill myself by my own mean and not because some bloke scared me to death,” answered Tristan.
A momentarily pause as Henry lights up a cigarette while Tristan stares blankly at him.
“So why exactly do you want to kill yourself?” said the curious Henry.
“Oh, what are you a psychiatric now? Is this some sort of a therapy session?” asked Tristan.
“Well, I’m just asking to make some small chat.”
“Small chat? Wait, what are you doing up here in the first place?” said Tristan.
“Smoking. This is my favourite spot. You can see the whole city from up here. And I was also planning to kill myself after this,”said Henry.
“What? You’re thinking about suicide as well? Why?”
“Well, I’m stuck in a dead end job with a Genghis Khan as my boss. My wife just divorced me and took the kids with her along with every other property I had. My parents don’t recognize me as their son and my mates haven’t spoken to me in ages,” answered Henry.
“Whoa, that’s one sad life you have there. You really should talk to someone and get some professional help there,” said Tristan.
“Well I did and now I just given up and wish to end it with a suicide up here. Why do you want to kill yourself?” said Henry.
“Well it’s not as bad as yours. I’m a painter you see.”
“Oh, are you any good?”
“Well, yeah I am. A couple of sheikhs bought the whole gallery of my exhibition last week.”
“Oh that’s nice. Got woman trouble then?”
“No. I’m currently dating this supermodel. She was on the Vogue magazine cover last month.”
“Lucky bastard.Wait a minute, your life sounds great. Why the fuck do you want to kill yourself?”
“Well, I’m an artist. Suicide is my final masterpiece,” Tristan boasted.
“You’re mental. You have an odd grasp of art is the reason why no one understand art anymore,” stated Henry.
“Well that’s one man’s opinion.”
Another momentarily pause as Henry finishes his cigarette and flicks the bud into the open void in front of Tristan.
“So are you gonna jump first or should I go first?” ask Henry.
“What. I am not going to kill myself here if you’re doing it too,” said Tristan.
“Why not? Why my death isnt good enough for your artistic masterpiece?”
“No its not that. The thing is, the cops wont see it as a suicide if two dead bodies smash up at the pavement. They will think its murder. They would conclude that I was being robbed by you and we had a huge struggle and both fell over the ledge,” remark Tristan.
“Nah, they got all those fancy forensic CSI gadgets and shit. They’ll figure it out,” said Henry.
“Not if our bodies would be smashed into bits on the pavement. And beside my suicide should be artistic and alone,” said Tristan as he gets down from the ledge.
“Do you really think our body will be smashed into bits? Because I really do wish for an open casket funeral and I don’t want to be seen as a lump of goo in a box at my own funeral,” said Henry.
“Well, yeah I supposed your body would smash into bits. With the heights and velocity of your body falling would create a huge impact and the human body weren’t design to withstand that amount of pressure. You’ll definitely most probably go in bits.”
“Well okay, cool. “
“Yeah…”
“I’m still going for it anyway. Bye,” said Henry as he started to climb the ledge.
“Okay bye. See you later,” said Tristan as he begin to walk away.
“See you later,” said Henry who had pause his action. “Wait. See you later?? You think there will be a chance of me surviving the impact because I have enough pain to start off with. I don’t want to be seen as the man who fails to kill himself.”
“No I don’t think anyone can survive a 23 storey high fall, “said Tristan.
“Then? What do you think there is an afterlife? Didn’t they say if you commit suicide you will go straight to Heaven or something?” ask Henry.
“Hell,” answered Tristan.
“Hell? I thought it was Heaven?”
“Well heaven if you die defending your religion and hell if u deliberately end your life,” said Tristan.
“Oh, I always get those two mixed up. Okay. Do something to offend my religion,” request Henry.
“What?”
“Say something offensive towards my religion and I will defend it and accidentally fall down the ledge,” said Henry as he position Tristan at the ledge and he gets into a position to charge towards Tristan.
“If God is real, you won’t be able to fool him like that,” said Tristan.
“Well it’s worth the shot isn’t it?”
“Well up to you. What is your religion then?” asked Tristan.
“I don’t know. I’m an agnostic,” said Henry.
“And I’m an atheist,” said Tristan.
“Well that’s convenient. Isn’t it?”
“Forget about the afterlife, religion and God. His existence is neither can be proven or dismiss,” said Tristan.
“Well its better to bet on the safe side wouldn’t it?” said Henry.
“If God prefers someone who bets on the safe side meaning believing and doing all the religious stuff without being truthful to himself rather than a person who refuses to believe in religion and in the existence of God because he studies and examine the countless evidence provided, then He is not really a God worth praying or dying for is He?’ stated Tristan.
“Well it’s my death. I choose how I want to die. I choose to bet on the safe side,” requested Henry.
“Okay then your choice. Now choose a religion.”
“Well what the best option?”
“Well there is the old school religion like paganism and animism. There is this religion call Judaism that is the original version of the religion Christianity and there is also the latest version of the same religion name Islam. And there is also Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism and many more to choose,” said Tristan.
“That is a wide variety of faith. Which one should I choose?”
“Well you are born in this side of the world which major in the religion of Christianity. I think you might be more of a Christian if you weren’t agnostic,” suggested Tristan.
“Ok then. I think I remember some. Praise be with the Holy Mother, Holy Father, Holy Brother, Holy Sister..” chanted Henry.
“No. The Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit.”
“What there is a ghost as well in the family?”
“No No No No. It’s the Holy Virgin Mother, Holy Father, Holy Ghost or Spirit and the Holy Jesus,” explained Tristan.
“Oh okay. Hail to the Holy Virgin Mother Mary. Wait do you really think she is a virgin do you?” ask Henry.
“Nah but they do.”
“Haha, okay,” laughed Henry before he clears his throat. “Hail to Holy Mother, Father and Ghost.”
“And ?,” asked Tristan.
“Oh yeah. Praise to Jehovah!!”
“NOoo…”
“Allah?”
“No. And Jesus.”
“Right right. Praise to Jesus. Our God,” said Henry.
“And the son of God,” said Tristan.
“Oh he had a son? Who is he?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Yeah who is his son?”
“Jesus Christ is the son of God.”
“Wait I thought he was god. How can Jesus be the son and the father ant the same time. Did he had a time machine and travel back in time to shag and knock up the ‘virgin’ Mary which then gave birth to him?”asked Henry.
“Haven’t got a single clue.’
“Okay now what?”
“The Virgin Mary was a slut and Jesus was an incest liar!” taunted Tristan.
“Oh really?” asked Henry.
“No, I’m insulting your religion so you can defend it.”
“Oh yeah. (clears throat) NO, they are not, you prick!” shouted Henry as he charges towards Tristan.
He stops at the ledge and slowly climbs it before jumping off. “Praise to Bezzleboss……..!!!”
Henry’s body falls in a rapid speed towards the ground. His body was expecting to explode into bits so imagine the body’s surprise when it didn’t. All the body suffered was massive internal and external bleeding with immense fracture of the bones and punctured lungs. On the last few moments of Henry’s life he thought it was a very bad idea and imagines his life as a bowl of petunia. Tristan stares at the silent non dramatic ending of the fall from the comfort of his high ground. He thought to himself, “Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. I’ll try something else.”
Zero Ducks Given 