Living In Lucidity

Time is an illusion. Its a matter of a conscious mind making sense of things. When we look into the quantum world of the tiniest particles in the atomic structure of the universe we find things to be very different from what we would normally perceive as normal. A quantum particle can be everywhere and nowhere at the same instance, only when the researcher tries to collect the data then we would find the particle to be in a fixed spot, thus it is only relative to the a person point of view. Time is relative. Time is an illusion. If you do wish to use the standard understanding of time in its dissipating nature of Planck cycles then the present for me now is the mid-January of 2013. As the winters began to slowly fade in the northern hemisphere and the heat of the southern hemisphere starts to restlessly sway to balance the temperature of the planet, i sit here in the equator wondering and reflecting on my journey.

With the sound of Dub Fx in my headphone, i feel in peace with my life though this isn’t where i planned to be or where i wish my life is heading to but it is where i need to be. From a year long of weed smoking, heartbreak recovering, starving artist of a bohemian tragedy, directionless journey of expanding the mind and venturing into the unknown depths of scientific equations of a spiritual sort, i have to say it wasn’t a bad year. But this year its different i have to learn to control. I have to learn to cage my inner wild horse and free-bird for just a year to collect proper amount of cash so i can start doing what i wanted to do. Backpacking, Hitchhiking, Gypsy living, Running Free. Just a year of torture that’s all that i need to do. After all what is a year anyway if time is just an illusion? Beside I got something else to explore this year when I’m caged up. Throughout the entire year of 2012, i have been understanding the possibility of parallel universes using the understanding of string theory plus the research i have made into the electrical components of our brain in its waves of complexity with the help of Aldous Huxley i have learned that one’s mind can be easily amended to a different state of consciousness. Now i know one would find it mad to even think that we could jump from one plane of reality into the next parallel universe using the perception altering drugs but i beg the differ.

Soundtrack if you like one : Dub Fx – In my Head

Maybe i have dwell too much in my own madness of my unstable mental health or maybe its real, i cannot be sure anymore. Maybe i am no longer in the same reality as i was before, maybe i am still. Maybe I am really going mad but whatever the reason is, nothing is the same for me anymore. I do not see the world as how i did. I do not understand the logic of time for i have seen my past, my present state and every possible future of my decisions in a single instance. In every single moment of my waking life. And every night i have harder time distinguishing my dreams and reality. It is not because my dreams are as boring as my waking life, no it is much much more beautiful. But my dreams have become so comfortable and lovely that i have began to detest and reject the waking world. Even as i arise from my sleep I do not see a strict line between dreams and reality, it is getting blur for i began to see my dreams in reality and my reality have become my dreams. Maybe i should visit the psychologist but that’s the problem isn’t it? I have done to many research papers for the psycho-analytic students that i could easily understand what is their perception of my condition and my fucked up mind uses these information and knowledge to f.u.c.ked up my mind up even more. Oh my dear Carl Sagan, i have dive into madness searching for a truth. Science have only confirmed that my madness is legitimately plausible, that i could have been traveling through parallel universes but how can i prove it? How can you prove the unprovable string theory?

Maybe its no longer a matter of evidence but belief. Huh funny how religious i sound talking about a scientific theory. But Science and religion should have never been separated. It is the two side of the same coin. Whatever you wish to belief, i do not deny you the pleasure of the comfort but i shall tell you what i have experience. Call me crazy or call me imagineer, I cannot care less. The first time I figured out how to really jump realities was using the aid of marijuana but that was to simple. It was a reality completely the same with slight difference in the perception of time. I think they called that feeling : Stoned. Then i jumped up the drugs to vision inducing hallucinations of LSD, like i needed another hallucination said my brain. But the real proper jump i made from one parallel universe to the next was on 21 December 2012. Say what you want. Say what you belief. World Ending, World shifting its paradigm. I jumped on that fateful day with a simple meditation. Not even a long one too like those monks but a simple quite peace of mind without any thoughts or any help of drugs. I sat on the comfort of my old sofa stroking a puffy ginger cat, thinking of nothing and becoming nobody.

Empty. Silence. The image of the flower of life sparked in my mind.

A sharp electrical twitch in the joints of my fingers that quickly spread down the back of my hand and vortex-ing around my wrist and up to the elbow and shoulder blades before consuming my entire body with the warmth of the twitches. The warmth soon turned to heat which is then is buried by the cool air of my surrounding and restoring comfort. The coldness becomes unbearable as my body shivers to the bones which in turn sparked a sharp electrical twitch. This cycles continues in a loop.

  Meanwhile my sight of my present state was too altering in a unique fashion. The image collected from the both sides of my eyes separated itself and goes unbalance, tipping on the tip of my nose give a fish-like vision of a curved visual. Its like a single picture being stretched into a dangerous breaking point of flexibility. This curvature of reality restores its balance before focusing away from my nose and zooming into the distance and into a perspective of an outer body dimension. The visual that I was witnessing was in an amazing splendor of colors which were distorted the original and enhanced by a psychedelic mad scientist. This dimensions of visuals is then stretched and chopped into multi-visual beauty before turning into a spiral motion. Honestly its hardest to describe the visuals that i saw. I can just sum it up in one word : Beautiful.

On another note, my ears was in tune to every single sound to my surroundings. I was able to focus to any single source from the purring of the fat cat on my lap to the flapping wings of the ravens outside but often my hearings in the distant standpoint of things. Not even from my ears but from a wide shot view of everything. It often goes with the visual perception of my transition, like a perfect soundtrack to a movie scene. The sounds all jumbled up like a Pink Floyd album being played from the hands of Ravi Shankar and the voice of Bob Marley but remixed and dubbed by DUB FX. A crazy symphony of voices of influential people and perhaps even notes to buy the cat food just mixed up in a perfect harmony of distortions. The loudest sound you will ever hear is the beat of your heart and the electrical twitches of your brain synapses. 

The transition of one reality to another is like having your consciousness being melted into a liquid state and having it flowing and dripping out of a tiny water pipe into a puddle of a new universe with new frequency of consciousness.  A slow but steady realization of your new surrounding which was so odd before has now become a familiar setting. Your mind has gone through a tine tube that has puncture two parallel universe together like a wormhole for your consciousness. A quick almost impossible according to what you have known but nevertheless it is the only explanation why you feel like this. Why i feel like this. This is the best and only reasonable explanation that my tiny little neuron’s sparks could conjure. That is what i felt like. That is how i feel like. Listen to your thoughts said my thoughts. Then you would realize how you have punctured reality into a new world which is the single greatest thing you had ever done and perhaps the first to ever do so but i doubt it. It feels like Neil Armstrong stepping on the moon but on a completely different universe.

But how can i know i am not just still in my own universe and my own reality? Maybe because one minute i was stroking a fat cat and the next I was in a van.

soundtrack if you want….i am obsessed with DUB FX right now…

The scent of the magical green herb sway gently upon the tumbling waves of smokes that filled the old compact van. As the orange tinder sparks in the tiny pipe and at the end of the joint dances to the tunes of the Rasta vibration. The van itself occupied with seven individuals with amazing background stories and eccentric personalities of their own uniqueness. But my eyes, my red bloodshot teary eyes which has just found its comfort in this new surrounding could only stare at one soul who shines like an angel of a lighthouse in a dark night attracting the attention of this lost ship. She was perfect from the moment she steps into my memory down from the rusty old van of illusion, barefooted onto the harsh hot pavement of the industrialized city that have become my constricting reality. Her face glows brighter than the tropical sun that is piercing through the wet heavy monsoon clouds. Her simpleness is her most exotic value of her personality. She dressed in a flower child manner of the long forgotten Woodstock dream of the sixties with her gypsy tales of adventure. She is true beauty of a woman and nothing in comparison to the war-paint girls in the criticizing beauty magazines. Her name was the sound of my beating heart. Her features were genuine and her smile was uplifting. She told me stories of her travels and though she could barely understand me and I could barely comprehend her weak English, there was moments of connectivity with stolen glimpse and Marley’s rhymes.

She is the nymph of gypsies. Wandering in and out of my mind. Oh what fate lies in the future is none of my authority to speculate but yet she smiles carelessly. Keeping her arms wide open to embrace the challenges ahead. Her naked feet enjoys the touch of mother earth’s skin, whether its the wet mud of the village hills or the hot harsh pavement of an endless road. I can hear the bells chiming its tune to the beat of the dance as she sways her body to the sound of the rhythm. The bells that wrap loosely on her ankle adorns her delicate beauty. Though barefooted on the wet ground her steps are ever more ferocious in delivering each and every steps with accurate sharp postures of a strong spirit but yet in the smoothest transition. She dances like a nymph in power of the fire that is before her and slither with the waves of the green smokes. Her loose tight brown hemp-made pants emphasize her body movements. The velvet cloth that wraps around her neck slither around her bare arms and floats with the wind, leaving her seductive curves in the prying eyes of her spectators. The piercing on her perfectly fit belly sneak under her small white singlet giving a pleasurable guilt. Her first breast was and is too juicy to describe in mere words. Oh how i love to have loved her…Unfortunately this is all nothing but a memory of my past. The last happy memory I had.

She gave me a reason to live in my miserable life and showed me a way to living free from this society prison of the materialistic city. She shed a light unto a life free from the monetary system of greedy injustice. She show me Gaia. No wonder I keep jumping into that memory. That was the closest I have even been to someone who is truly free. Or at least my memory and perception of her that of a girl who is bathing in total freedom but no matter what her true predicaments are in this plane of reality. I know i shall always jump back into that moment to find a peace of mind. Perhaps that memory is strongest for another reason. That memory was the last time I ever saw my mentor smiling next to me. Oh how I have fucked things up in my life. Now with this new understanding of realities and with the ability of jumping in and out of memories and realities with or without substances isn’t exactly a great achievement for me. It is no doubt an amazing lucidity trip that is beyond any kind of drug abuse that i have ever experience. I mean its like time traveling, its like walking in the cupboard and stepping out into Narnia. Just imagine how amazing that must have felt for anyone, one minute you’re outside your house trying to stop it from getting bulldoze and the next minute you are hitchhiking across the galaxy in your bathrobes using a towel as your main defense. Its bloody epic that feeling of jumping realities but its no good for my social life, work life and… it..its not good at all for my present life in this reality.

Something dark to explain myself

I mean i am already mad with my mental condition but now i could do this? F U C K, i am going insane but the Quantum Theory of the Universe with its string theory and parallel universe states the contrary.  Let me explain my condition. Perhaps you might understand a bit more of what I am writing about. Let me explain the inner workings of my brain and the tremendous chemical imbalance that has impacted my perspective of reality, thus altering my consciousness.  Let me explain to you my mental illness.

A brain is a complex infrastructure of chemical secretion and electrical impulses of networking neurons. The entire connections of your brain sparking neurons are what your consciousness made of. Every tiny details of your delicate organ is the composition of your awareness, thus the composition of yourself. You are that tiny spark, your spirit or soul or consciousness is nothing more than that tiny spark. In addition, your brain effects your entire body since it is the command center. That is why mother nature has protected this most delicate, unique and beautiful evolutionary masterpiece with a hard tough skull or cranium. A protective shield for this fine work of natural artistic expression. There is no good or bad side of the brain, none is complete without the other. Though we could live with one side of the brain but our entire understanding and personality with be drastically altered. Thus it takes the entire brain to make what you are, that is why the world is not split into two good and evil but rather a blurry gray patch of both world. Because in every single one of us there is a cognitive dissonance of opposing idea. This is the way of the universe, a competitive struggle between two sides of the coin which one could not exist without the other, this is the balance of the yin and yang, of matter and anti-matter. Now with that understood any slightest defects can substantially manipulate your mind in a drastic measure.

It is possible that every individual has its own unique chemical balances of their brain with their own unique frequency of brainwaves but unlike a fingerprint which doesn’t do jack  to your personality, the uniqueness of the brain composition creates the various amount of personalities in this world. That is why no two individual is alike, not even identical twins are the same. Thus if a part of your brain is behaving in a rather unusual manner then your entire perspective and personality will not be the same again but you wouldn’t even know anything about it, you wont see any difference in how you would normally behave. To you everything about your new world and your new manner seems the familiar but you are not. Of course there is no basic guidelines telling you whether you are sane of not but there is a proper understanding of a healthy brain. But then how would anyone know whether they are in a healthy brain since the symptoms are hard to realize? How can you really tell whether you are insane? True it is very difficult for anyone to tell us if were are mentally ill or not and even if they do tell us would we believe them? Are you sure they are not insane telling you that you are insane? Of course when you finally realize you are insane it would be a bit too late for recovery. That is why understanding science is so important to me. Science is the poetry of reality, it is beautiful if you really understand it. True it might destroy many of believes and fairytale but you would feel relief to be awaken to a whole new world full of immense probability that would make angels look like a little butterfly in a garden filled with tea drinking unicorns.

Frightened at first of course. I mean everything I ever thought the world was and every belief I had which i have invested my whole soul into was nothing more than a fake scam of my mind. But then you realize its okay, i know i was mad but now i can change with the new understanding of reality I could separate the hallucination from what is real. I could enjoy it all, life is much more beautiful once you know the truth but wait maybe this is madness, the belief you had once was the truth and this new acceptance of reality is the mad one. Maybe you are just guilty. You feel undeserving of this new perspective to understand that you are actually mad, I mean there was a heavy burden lifted from you to know that the visions you seeing are just in your head and not real but a bigger burden is then placed on you. The question is why? Why is the sane, the insane, the logical and the irrational are living side by side in your brain. You tried to find and equilibrium, you try to find a balance and began to accept both worlds. Like Buddha said, the middle way of understanding is the only way that the sitar’s string will vibrate the tune of life. Too loose it will be too sloppy to make a sound of logical statement, to tight then the string will snap from the spiritual aspect and live a life of a square. But again I’m sure we all felt this before or maybe only me, i am not too sure. Maybe we are all mad. Maybe you don’t understand a single word i am saying.

Maybe this part might help clear that confusion. Like stated earlier, every single chemical secretion in your brain impacts your consciousness and personality. When the chemicals are tampered by medications of any sort it would change for a temporary moment depending on the dosage. From the tiny caffeine rush of a coffee or when you are completely drunk from alcohol consumption, whether you are high, stoned or trippin balls son! That crazy as.s acid got your inner Chakra of your brain’s chemical running Helther Skelter till you be hallucinating a biatch name Lucy flying in the sky with Diamonds. Now all these altering consciousness stimulants do magical wonders to put your mind int the state of clinical madness but their effects are often for a limited time only. And thought you might never view the world again after trying your first LSD or DMT or any kind of drugs but you are not mad. (YET)

So why do i conclude i am mad? Maybe i am just a super druggie junkie journalist in an open top Chevy making my way to Vegas with fear and loathing on my mind? Well for a starter seeing visions of a fuc-king purple dinosaur singing his pedophile theme song every time i took the bus back from high school way back before I even touched drugs was a pretty convincing argument. That terrified me a lot. Bloody Barney and his freaky dicky purpleness…Maybe I had been hallucinating these visions since I was born but I didn’t notice. Such a strange abstraction from reality often do escape the mind of any ordinary overly imaginative young boy. Heck, my childhood was awesome without the need of a computer games or any toys. I had friends which i think now was just imaginary. Sad little lonely boy playing with his own imaginations. Surely i didn’t think twice about my visions. I loved them.

But as we grow older we tried to put those childish things aside, especially when we reach high school, we try to be more mature by talking about girls boobies and butts. For many it was an easy transition but for my imaginary friends they just couldn’t let me go. So they evolved with my age. From a scary multicolor aliens with antenna heads and a television in the tummies, to a sexy amazonian warrior chick hungry for some penis. It wasn’t all that bad. But of course i couldn’t control these visions. It comes to me when my emotions are the strongest and most out of control. Sadly for me my teenage years was a depressing suicidal one. I would make Edgar Allen Poe writing look like a Kenny Rogers collections. I was an emo-clown as my friends used to call me but i wasn’t those Gothic kind of kinds who wear eye-liner and cut themselves with razorblades. No. I was the kid who for the fun of it hang myself and tries to drown himself in the bathtub. Favourite spot the rooftops. I cant really do cutting wrist and all. Didn’t like pain. But if you read my blog i guess you could see the transitioning of my hallucinations. So no need for a history lesson on someone you don’t even care about. But what the fuck am I rambling about then? I dont know. Do you know?

“So whats the point me telling you this story? To tell you I am mad? Nah i bet you already knew that by the look of me. To tell you that I could finally jump realities? You do that all the time when you fall asleep and dream. Someone who is mad like me surely able to jump realities even better than anyone one else but do i really need to? Do I really need another excuse to become mad? Or perhaps I tell you this in order to explode your mind with flashing images of transcendental understanding that could only come from immense abuse of substances that alters your perceptions of reality? Nah you can get that from your local drug dealer. I really do not know the point of anything anymore. I do not know why I even care to write, I do because I got nothing better to do. I leave you now. I bet you need some time to think about everything and nothing. Goodbye,” said the homeless dude in the crowded bus station. ” You know what, maybe I shouldn’t have took the Brown Acid back in summer 1969.”


 The hippy took his bags and faded away into my mind as I sit here stroking this fat cat seeing that the time have only past a minute or so. I said to myself “That was one lucid imagination.”

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